Update: Through Heaven's Eyes
- TK2THE
- Sep 8, 2023
- 8 min read
• His Eye is on the Sparrow
September 7th, 2023. 10:27 PM EST. It's been 136 days since I moved. I cannot say the details of that move. One thing I can say, that is the first time in a very long time I felt abandoned. Before I was born, I had three angels who seek to watch over me. In their honor, I do my best to be grateful for my angels that are still on Earth. The pass day, I was hit with grief over a few whom have joined heaven's bliss. If missing a person is a form of love, I guess I still love them with all my soul. I'm glad to know my heart is capable of that.
I am in a strange headspace. I can't process my emotions exact. It's bothering me. It helps to keep my mind focused on concepts that move me forward (working out, cooking, writing, etc.) to avoid the effects of this. However, I am able to empathize the emotions of others, more than I ever have before. I can tell when someone is feeling anxiety. It's like, a rock in my gut. It's fear...sometimes, it's so heavy, I can't breathe. It pains me to know someone who I care about is walking around with such a weight.
It's hard to find the words to help. When I see another human as the source, I immediately have to calm my wrath...growing up with humans who only respect pain and will do anything to hurt you for your good has shaped me. I don't want to do anything I have to ask forgiveness for, still...I am but a man. How do you expect me to not strike? There's much I won't share, but in it all, I keep hearing God...He keeps telling me that He sees me. At first, it was joy. Then, it was 'I know'. After, I was upset because, if You see me, why am I going through what I'm going through? Now, I don't even know. I do still trust Him. I'm just so deep in this forest and I don't see the way out. And I don't wanna start setting shit on fire. It's getting really hard not to be angry. I'll rather cry.
1. Peaches N' Creme Food Pop Up
If you didn't know, I cook. I will not be humble; I am the best chef in my family. Even if one of my older relatives know something I don't, I'm still going to be best them. I refuse to be second. That being said, I did a food pop up in New Jersey. It was successful in many ways. My only issues were with myself. I was so out of it, I didn't sleep beforehand, my thoughts were all over the place. I was overwhelmed mentally. It was a battle. And I didn't focus. Regardless of that, I am glad to have served the wonderful people I did. I hope to become better and provide great service. I want so much more for myself. I'm extremely grateful for my friend and his family. They allowed me to use stay at their house, use their kitchen and helped me all the way through. His parents even celebrated with me after it was done...this moment, it showed me what I never had in my own family...and how I'm going to change that. The next time I do it, I will have three ships for when the nets begin to sink the first.
2. Beloved! Beloved! Beloved!
First off, shout out to Aidan. He claimed me as his father, so that's my son. There are many youth that look to me as a fatherly figure, older brother or something of the sort. I know they're going to end up wealthy and successful. I just hope that I'm able to assist in the process. I also hope when I have actual children, I can trust them to give them jewels and help where it's needed. So boom, it was Thursday going into Friday. My stomach went back to being my enemy. Cool. I didn't have any medicine. I tell this guy Aidan about it, and he starts using my own words against me. Not in a bad way, but it was like, 'Ah, you learned' because I was just going to not do anything. He convinced me otherwise. That Friday, it was the worse its been in months. It's always odd to me how I vomit when I don't even eat. I ended up streaming through all of this and I just powered through it. Not a single person even suspected something was amiss. As soon as the stream when off, I went back to soaking in pain. If it wasn't for him, I probably wouldn't had went to get medicine. Aidan makes me think. Really, I never speak on my greatness. I turn it down so people don't get offended. This kid is constantly telling me facts about it all. How I do things and people don't even realize it, how famous I am, all these things. He's right. I need to stop it. And really, he's the first person on my team.
3. The Misadventures of Kov and I
My dear brother Kov. Requested my presence a week or so in advance. When Kov invites you, you dare not decline. This quest had me travel between three states. When I finally got to him, we drove to Pennsylvania. Kov had a photoshoot. We spoke of aliens, raccoons, animals, faith and our relationships with select individuals on the way. One thing about Kov is, he sees me for who I am. Completely. I cannot lie to this man, nor will he tolerate such lack of trust. It's easier for me to express myself with him, which makes it harder to control my emotions. I've only mastered them to face those I don't share my heart with.
When we arrived to the city where the studio was, we were met with a maze. All the streets were one ways. The GPS betrayed us. I pondered, if there was a terrible fire, how would people be able to escape? Finally, we got to the location. Of course, we met the talented photographers outside. We knew both of them. We're all friends. This is his story to tell, so I'll keep the details of the shoot private. One thing is, when he expresses his emotions silently, I can feel it as if it fills the room. His eyes, they do this thing where it's nothing but pressure being released. That's the first time I saw it and asked myself if I do the same...I know I do. What I mean is, does it look the same?
After, we went to get food. Of course, the place that serves cheesesteaks was closed. We walked around looking for another spot to eat. Everything was not good. In the midst of this, a man I presumed to be homeless asked us for a dollar. Kov released his pressure, where's I, gave him a dollar. While reaching in my pocket, he said things to me I wasn't interested in. You can probably guess what he said. We settled for traditional American Chinese. Once we got the food, Kov decided to eat on the back of his car. We posted up like police officers and I lie to you not, it was the worse food I had in I don't know how long. Just as we were done, the man came back around and asked for another dollar. Kov expressed is thoughts on this perfectly. I agreed with him; the man didn't appreciate the gift at all. Still, for my heart, I am blessed. It doesn't matter if I do good and people don't receive it. My heart has peace when I listen to it, so for that, I am rich in giving.
4. The Angry Man and The Broken Man
I got two stories. I was in New York when both of these events occurred.
Angry Man: I was asked to run an errand. It's like nine in the evening. I got on the bus. It was the faster one. I get off, I start walking towards where I should be going. I see four people together, walking dogs. I walk in the street to give them space. Something tells me, take my headset off. I do, and I realize this guy is yelling. Apparently, he's yelling at me I'm not welcomed in the area. I look him dead in the eyes and he's just mad. Angry Caucasian male, forty going on fifty-two. Anyone that knows me knows, I love this. Instead of giving into my flesh, I ignored him. I go back to minding my business. I can still hear him yelling. I look up and I say, "Father, I really don't want to have to hurt these people." I keep walking and this guy is still behind me, following me. Ultimately, there was a police officer parked around the corner and they handled him. He thought I was an immigrant. Something happened in the area. It's still a hate, because he may not feel that way towards my skin color in general, but you expressed words for people who just want a better life. I got friends of all creeds and colors. Who are you to feel you can tell people not to come to this land?
Broken Man: It's the fifth of this month. Again, I'm outside at night. I know, but it’s something I developed as a habit a few years back. Many think it’s dangerous, however, being that I’ve never been harmed or robbed, I disagree. This time, it was five past midnight. I approached the bus stop. There was a man there, moving quite erratically. I don’t know what exactly was wrong, however, I don’t let such sights install fear in my heart. I walked pass him and stood. He took a seat, grabbed his Snapple bottle off the bench and offered me a seat. I told him I’ll stand. I appreciated his politeness. He asked me for the time. I tell him. From there, he tells me how he sold his house, made all this cash and blew it on drugs and women. Had family steal from him. Now he's in this pit and he just drinks all day. All I could do was say to him to keep moving forward. You can't yesterday's newspaper. I did feel for him...
I saw him again around 9 on the 6th...I ended up buying him a fruit bowl. Now, I don't even got it like that right now. I don't know, I wasn't sure if he had been eating. It was interesting because the moment I gave him the fruit, this radio outside the store we were in front of started playing Money Trees by Kendrick Lamar. He tells me more about what happened. I hated what happened to him. It's actual a terrible story. I know he'll be fine. Not sure how or when, but I just have this peace when it comes to this guy. I never asked his name.
Personal Thoughts & Reflections
Lately I've been having a lack of mercy. It goes hand and hand with fearless virtue, how I prayed for this. My sight is deeper. My hands let not a single drop of water escape. I'm getting stronger where I felt I was weak.
It's funny though. A lot of people thought I was at my peak and wrote me off. Idiots. I just wanted to rest. I help so many! It takes so much virtue from me when I do. I never feel like I'm fully recharged. Now, I no longer feel like I'm tired. Sleepy at times, but this is the most alive been. The blessings and misfortunes teach me something every time. I'm going to be a millionaire before the age of thirty. All of this is just to polish my character.
I just hope that people are ready for when I do get out of the wilderness. There are so many things I'm going to do. My heart is laughing now just thinking about it. This wasn't the typical blog post. I'll give the typical next time. This one was for me.
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